Diabolical Chinese performance-enhancing plot exposed

In a stunningly devious display of satanic.... deviousness, China has hijacked the colour red in order to gain a statistical advantage over their Olympic opponents. (The world)

Yes folks, this is what is has come down to. A century of planning to get the Games to China, a communist revolution sixty years ago to ensure that red would be the color of the flag when it finally happened, and 5000 years of history have all crystallized into this one event.

But actually, the scheme goes much deeper than that. Several thousand years ago, the Chinese built a wall to keep meddlesome outsiders away so they could develop their sporting skills uninterrupted. Then they invented sophisticated farming techniques and started to breed like rabbits, waiting for the time they could claim a full 20% of the world's population to launch a serious medal assault. Cunningly, they created gunpowder and exported it, knowing full well that barbarians would use it to kill each other and keep their reproduction rates down. They established ping-pong training centres at Shaolin Si and Leshan where super warrior-paddlers honed their lethal speed by smashing needles through plates of glass. They practiced their gymnastics skills by flying through the air and running along walls. Then, in a brilliant twist of psychoanalytical mastery, China created the worst soccer (football, if you will) team in the world. Embarrassment, humiliation, and loss followed. The anger of the people knew no bounds. Defeat after defeat stoked the nationalistic hunger for victory. The red flag burned like a raging fire in the hearts of the people, desperate to be quenched.

After 5 thousand years of history, I mean training, the gold campaign was almost ready. But something was missing. Victory seemed inevitable. The people were becoming too complacent. They lacked a certain....focus. Deep in Zhongnanhai, an ancient sage counseled the Central Committee. Although he was in failing health, he had one last edict to issue. "To give the people the drive they lack," he said, "You must find them a common enemy. Look no further than the western media." With these final words, the ancient one went to take his afternoon nap.

Bemused by the old man's words, the Central Committee carefully considered the problem. After a few rounds of ping-pong and some baijiu, Hu Jintao snapped his fingers. "I've got it!" he said. "We'll let some of the Lhasans off the leash for a while. Then we'll clear out the foreign media. Then we'll make our torch relay go all around the world, and express our complete surprise at the protests that follow. We'll also send some goons and thugs to protect it! The western media is sure to go ape, and when they do, we'll claim it's all a plot against China!"

The other members were shocked at the audacity of the plan. "Jintao, you old bastard" said Wen Jiabao,"If the people knew how brilliant you were, I'd lose my Facebook status as China's favourite politician."

The rest, as they say, is history. Except in China, of course, where it's 5000 years of history. And if you had any doubts, I feel I need to hardly point out to you the incredible effectiveness of this wily scheming. Just check out the medal table. Here is my prediction, at the end of Day Three. The US may win most medals, but China will top the gold medal count.